Obama (unplugged) at the UN General Assembly

Disclaimer 1: This article first appeared in 'The Nation' (September 26, 2010).  Had I written this after this year's UN Sessions, I would have done Barack Obama greater justice. Sorry Barack.

Disclaimer 2: Barack Obama, President of the United States of America addressed the General Assembly of the United Nations in New York on September 23, 2010.  President Obama is a Nobel Laureate, an intellectual (at least compared to his predecessor) and a man who understands words.  I am convinced that text that’s been doing the rounds was a dud.  I am convinced that chunks have been left out.  This is an exercise in correction.  I am taking his rhetoric and filling the blanks.  What’s given in UPPER CASE LETTERS is, I am convinced, paraphrasing of what was left out. No, this is not the entire speech, but includes key sections that appear to have been deleted.

REMEMBER ME AND THIS SPEECH. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A US PRESIDENT IS BEING HONEST.

Underneath ALL THE challenges to our security and prosperity lie deeper fears: that ancient hatreds and religious divides are once again ascendant; that a world which has grown more interconnected has somehow slipped beyond our control.  I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE A LECTURE ON INTERNATIONAL POLITICAL ECONOMY OR TRACE THIS HISTORY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY COUNTRY AND OUR ALLIES HAVE BEEN LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS STATE OF AFFAIRS.  I AM HERE TO ANNOUNCE A NEW BEGINNING. WE WILL BE DIFFERENT FROM NOW ON.

As for our common security, America is waging a more effective fight against al Qaeda, while winding down the war in Iraq. LET ME ADMIT RIGHT NOW THAT THE WAR ON IRAQ WAS ILLEGAL (AS MY BRITISH FRIEND NICK CLEGG SAID RECENTLY) AND UNWARRANTED.  IN SHORT IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.  IT WAS ABOUT OIL.  TO BE HONEST WE WILL LEAVE ONLY WHEN WE ARE CONVINCED ABOUT CONTROLLING OIL AND A SECURE MARKET FOR OUR PRODUCTS AND SERVICES AND I FIRMLY BELIEVE IT IS BETTER IF WE CAN DO ALL THIS WITHOUT A MILITARY PRESENCE.  AS FOR THE A QAEDA, WE’VE DISPLACED CLOSE TO A MILLION PEOPLE, KILLED HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS AND ARE NOWHERE CLOSE TO FINDING OSAMA BIN LADEN. INDEED WE’VE EFFECTIVELY PRECIPITATED A RESURRECTION OF THE TALIBAN. AGAIN, IT IS ABOUT OIL.  I CONFESS.

As we pursue the world's most dangerous extremists, we're MAKING SURE THAT WE ARE NOT denying them the world's most dangerous weapons. WE MAKE WEAPONS WE DON’T NEED.  IT IS LOGICAL TO SELL THEM. IN FACT IF THE ARMS INDUSTRY IS FISH, THEN WARS ARE THE MIGHTY OCEANS.  WE NEED WARS. WE LIKE WAR AS GEORGE CARLIN ONCE SAID. WE ARE INDEED ‘A WAR-LIKE PEOPLE’. I PLEAD: IT IS OUR CULTURE.

As part of our effort on non-proliferation, I offered the Islamic Republic of Iran an extended hand last year, and underscored that it has both rights and responsibilities as a member of the international community. I also said -- in this hall -- that Iran must be held accountable if it failed to meet those responsibilities. And that is what we have done. WELL, IT IS NOT THAT THE USA HAS A MORAL AUTHORITY TO TALK ABOUT NON-PROLIFERATION.  I PLEAD, ‘NATIONAL INTEREST’. THIS MEANS THAT WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE NUCLEAR ENERGY FOR PEACEFUL AS WELL AS MILITARY PURPOSES BUT WE DON’T WANT IRAN TO HAVE IT FOR EITHER. WE DON’T THINK THEY HAVE A NUKE-CULTURE.

BY THE WAY, ISREAL DEEVLOPED NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND OFFERED THEM TO APARTHEID SOUTH AFRICA.  I AM BLUSHING INSIDE, LADIES AND GENTELMEN.

Iran is the only party to the NPT that cannot demonstrate the peaceful intentions of its nuclear program, and those actions have consequences. Through U.N. Security Council Resolution 1929, we made it clear that international law is not an empty promise. NOT THAT I GIVE A JIT ABOUT SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTIONS OF COURSE.  WE WILL NEVER TAKE ISSUE WITH ISREAD FOR GIVING THE FINGER TO THIS AUGUST BODY WHEN IT COMES TO SUCH RESOLUTIONS, YOU WOULD NOTE. BUT HEY, THAT’S US DOING THE RIGHT THING IN TERMS OF NATIONAL INTEREST.  CULTURE, FRIENDS.

CLIMATE CHANGE: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM ASHAMED.  I WILL TAKE A ‘PASS’ ON THIS.

We have also been persistent in our pursuit of peace in the Middle East. WHAT AM I SAYING?  WHO SWITCHED THE SCRIPT?  WE TAKE SIDES, LIKE ALL OF YOU DO.  WE SIDE WITH ISRAEL.  OUR BOTTOM LINE IS THE SECURITY OF ISREAL. AT ALL COST.  I AM BEING HONEST HERE.

In times of economic unease, there can also be an anxiety about human rights. OH YES, WE KNOW ABOUT THIS. I STATE HUMBLY THAT I REPRESENT THE COUNTRY THAT HAS PERPETRATED THE MOST HORRENDOUS CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY AND AS SUCH DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT leaders abolishing term limits, crackdowns on civil society.  WIKILEAKS UNDRESSED ME.  AND MY PREDECESSORS.  I PROMISE TO DO BETTER IN THE FUTURE.

America is working to shape a world that fosters this openness, for the rot of a closed or corrupt economy must never eclipse the energy and innovation of human beings. SOME MIGHT THINK I AM TALKING ABOUT A WORLD WHERE WE CAN PLUNDER RESOURCES AT WILL AND EXPLOIT LABOUR TO THE MAX AS HAS BEEN OUR WAY AND OUR CULTURE.  BEING HONEST HERE.

The common thread of progress is the principle that government is accountable to its citizens. And the diversity in this room makes clear -- no one country has all the answers, but all of us must answer to our own people.  I AM SORRY, SOMEONE’S BEEN FIDDLING WITH MY TEXT.  THE TRUTH IS I BELIEVE I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS AND DON’T BELIEVE IT IS NECESSARY TO HAVE A DIALOGUE HERE.

The world that America seeks is not one we can build on our own. WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SPEECH?  Part of the price of our own freedom is standing up for the freedom of others. I NEVER WROTE THIS!  I AM SORRY.  SOMETHING’S GONE WRONG HERE.  I NEED A TIME-OUT FOLKS.