02 February 2016

Daham following Yoshitha at breakneck speed! [and other news]

“One sows, one reaps,” observed today’s Leader of the Opposition in neighboring Kekirilanthaya, Rathanajothi Vasubhoothi, commenting on the recent arrest of Yoshitha Rajapaksa, the second son of former president Mahinda Rajapaksa.
Speaking to Kekiri FM on this subject, he also said:

“It took a while for the former president, his sons and other relatives, to abuse power and privilege for personal benefits that ran into several benefits if we are to believe Champika Ranawaka.  What’s pertinent is that it didn’t take even a month for the man who pledged to do away with all that to follow their footsteps.

“Daham Sirisena, for example, is not just taking the road that Yoshitha and other Rajapaksa scions took but he’s going at a breakneck speed.  It would be a miracle if he doesn’t crash.  Let’s hope he doesn’t, he’s a young man after all.  However, at this rate, he’s heading in the same direction and we all know where Yoshitha is right now.”
President’s real name exposed

The real full name of President Sirisena has now been revealed.  Today’s Registrar of Persons in neighboring Kekirilanthaya, Sankyaatha Lekamwasam, has made this revelation ‘for the benefit of the President himself, his followers and of course for the benefits that can accrue to the general public by the dispelling illusions”.  Mr Lekamwasam’s full missive is as follows:

“We have come to conclude that the name ‘Maithripala’ which is associated with the President of Sri Lanka is totally unsuited and in fact absolutely misleading.  He has not demonstrated any ‘maithri’ (compassion) but has shown a remarkable determination to exact revenge on people he considers are his political enemies.  Of course he has been compassionate towards politicians and others with shady records.  However this has been done only after allegiance was pledged.  As for ‘Pala’, which has connotations of control or governance, it must be said that he’s clueless about such things.  We researched and found that his true name is D.J. Sirisena, the ‘D’ and ‘J’ standing for Default and Janapathi respectively.  We are compelled to make this revelation for the benefit of the President himself, his followers and of course for the benefits that can accrue to the general public by the dispelling illusions.” 

The hidden hand behind D.J Sirisena’s victory revealed

Many have claimed ownership to the title of being the ‘hidden hand’ behind President Sirisena’s victory on January 8, 2015, but a senior political analyst from Kekirilanthaya has laid to rest all speculation and thereby rubbished all claimants to the title ‘Father of the Low Intensity Revolution of January 8th’, which is the preferred description of his Sri Lankan counterpart Nirmal Ranjith Dewasiri.

Dr Nirmal Uyangoda (no relation of either Dewasiri or that other ‘expert’ Jayadeva Uyagoda) said that one person and one person alone worked tirelessly for almost ten years to make that ‘revolution’ possible. 

“Mahinda Rajapaksa through error, obstinacy, a penchant for looking the other way and encouraging and even perhaps indulging in wrongdoing, in effect cut a clear path for D.J. Sirisena to become President of Sri Lanka, Dr Uyangoda revealed. 

Kekirilantha to offer Google 101 to the TNA

“It is clear that the leaders of the Tamil National Alliance of Sri Lanka are still unaware that one doesn’t have to visit particular countries in order to learn about their histories or understand their political systems and processes,” Lakshman Kekiriella, today’s Foreign Minister in neighboring Kekirilanthaya said. 

Speaking further on the decision of that party to send three seniors to Britain to study power-sharing arrangements, Mr Kekiriella said, “All the information they require is there on the internet. We feel that these innocent people just don’t know how to use search engines.  As a friendly neighboring country we therefore decided to offer tuition to these individuals on how to use Google.”

Kekirilanthaya concerned about Sri Lanka’s delay in passing the RTI Act
Karunawathi Aluvihare, today’s Media Minister of Kekirilanthaya said that she is confused about Sri Lankan Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe’s outbursts against journalists and media institutions even as talk of passing the much-talked-of Right to Information Act has ceased.

“It is not news when Wickremesinghe lashes out at journalists and their media practices.  We have seen enough of that over the years.  The magnitude of his invective is directly related to the power he possesses at the particular moment.  This is also not news.  Now, in Kekirilanthaya, politicians treat journalists with respect.  We passed our Right to Information Act about 2600 years ago.  That’s one reason why politicians, government servants and NGO racketeers can’t play pandu here.  In Sri Lanka not only do they play pandu but they also brag about the fact.  We fervently hope that Mr Wickremesinghe puts his words to better use, for example to convince his Parliament and his President of the need to get moving on the RTI Act,” she added.

New workday 8pm to 4am (following day) after February 4th

That’s in Kekirilanthaya and not in Sri Lanka.  Jayantha Karunaratne, today’s Media Minister of that country, in a special statement announced that the official workday would begin at 8pm and will end at 4 am the following morning. 

“We heard that Sri Lanka is to commemorate her Independence Day in two parts, one in the morning and one in the evening so that the VVIPs won’t have to deal with the intense noontime heat.  This is a wise decision.  What we have done is extend the logic.  ‘Why only VVIPs?’ we asked ourselves.  After all, there are hundreds of thousands of workers who have to work in the sun.  Farmers, construction workers, traffic policemen, to name a few.  Since Kekirilanthaya does not have any VVIPs or even VIPs for that matter, we decided that it’s much better to work at night and to stay home during the day.  We are grateful to Mr Sagala Ratnayake for having come up with this ‘explanation’ for fracturing Sri Lanka’s Independence Day celebrations.  It is in honor of his wisdom and by extension the wisdom of Sri Lankans in general that we decided that this work-shift so to speak should be launched on the 4th of February, Sri Lanka’s Independence Day,” he explained.