13 January 2014

‘Move over goat,’ says the rat!

[In a parallel universe of course!]
It was reported that someone in my family may have started the Pettah fire.  The claim is that one of us had tried to make off with one of the wicks of a lighted lamp in one of the shops. 

Check the report: ‘After taking all data, observations and findings into consideration, the report had concluded that the fire had started after the lamp had toppled over, after an animal, suspected to be a rat, had tried to make off with one of the wicks, police media unit said.’

Rubbish that!

This really got my goat (no disrespect to that species of course).  My first reaction was to hum the chorus of that Billie Joel song from way back when: “We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning; we didn't start the fire, no we didn't light it
but we tried to fight it’.

Forget the ‘fighting’ part.  Did nothing of the sort. After a while the disrespect got my gut.  A wick, did they say?  Come on, we are too resourceful and have too much pride to chew wicks. Especially in the Pettah. 

The bigger insult is to ignore all the earth-shattering, history-making stuff we’ve done over the years. As things stand we’ve been framed in the most disgusting way and for something that’s so trivial to boot. 

Got to put the record straight.

Do you know who brought down the twin towers?  Do you know who set off the Anthrax scare?  Do you know who brought down the Berlin Wall? Do you know who wrecked the US economy?   Do you know who started the First and Second World Wars? Do you know who got JRJ to write the Second Republican Constitution?  Do you know who runs Channel 4?  Do you know who writes Navi Pillay’s media statements?  There is a one word answer to all this: we. 

We’ve done a lot more.  We’ve messed up people’s heads so they get depressed and quit jobs and sports.  We’ve brought down corporates and governments. We’ve scattered oppositions.  We’ve even tripped examinations and educations departments and got people to get their knickers twisted over things like the Z Score.  We’ve brought the house down on more than one occasion and in more ways than one; you can chew on the metaphors here. 

How did we do it?  Wouldn’t you like to know?  Forget it, there are species secrets and our lips are sealed.  We don’t rat, especially on our own kind. 

So you see, we have every right to feel insulted.  You won’t accuse the President of the United States of America or India of piddling in some back alley of a country either of them is visiting would you?  They’d feel as peeved.  Not just because they’ve not done it.  They would want to be accused of something far more disgusting, especially when they both have sordid track records.  Same here.    Got pride. 

Now here’s the deal.  We are not going to take this insult lying down.  So consider this a final warning. Stop this right now or else!

Or else, we will wreck all police stations in ways that will make you think that the tsunami did nothing by way of unleashing death and destruction.  We will destroy communities in ways that you might long for LTTE-days.  We will not just chew through constitutions but bring down the Government one ministry and minister at a time.  We will not undo all the great work done by the Urban Development Authority.  Check out the Parliament on your way home after reading this.  Forget the Parliament.  Think of your favorite hangout, favorite bar, restaurant, love-seat, bed or holiday destination; think of your favorite dress, tie, shirt or underwear.  One more insult and it might be the last time you set your eyes on it. 

So here’s the challenge.  Go the whole hog.  Go the whole goat.  Replace ‘scapegoat’ with the term ‘scaperat’.  Blame us for everything that happens without acknowledging all the great things we’ve already done.  See what we will do to your buildings, records, histories and egos.  It won’t be pretty.