04 August 2014

Nick Clegg explains a few things to a loyal voter

Pic courtesy theguardian.com

Deputy Prime Minister of Britain Nick Clegg took a break.  He decided to spend some quality time in South Yorkshire, Sheffield Hallam to be precise.  He felt safe there.  After all, Sheffield Hallam has never returned a Labour MP since 1885 and except for a brief period between 1916 and 1918 was always held by the Conservatives.  He was walking along Hallowmoor Road smiling at people he met, being quite the local politician. 

‘G’morning Nick!’  someone yelled.  It was old Mr Portersworth, retired apothecary and an old friend. 

‘Oh hello Mr Portersworth, how have you been doing?’

‘Hanging on, hanging on.  Wanted to ask you something!’

‘I am all ears!’

‘What’s all this about axing Russia as hosts of the 2018 World Cup?  Is it some left-over anguish over our World Cup performance in Brazil?  Well, under-performance that is…?’

Nick couldn’t help laughing, but he sobered up: ‘No, it’s because there’s talk that the Russians were somehow responsible for shooting down MH17 over eastern Ukraine.’

‘Talk?  You mean there’s no solid proof?’

‘Come, come Mr Portersworth, you know how things are in this day and age.  What counts is allegation, not proof.  We’ve come a long way from those innocent-until-proven-guilty days. All we have to do is blame them, not back up accusation with facts.’

‘I see. So that talk of the United States shooting down an Iranian passenger plane some years ago was also something like that?  Just an accusation?’

‘No, that was different.  The fact was established.  But a different ploy was used there.  The USA said “we will not apologize”.  That was it.  No sanctions.  No talk of boycotting this or that or denying rights to host that event or this.  All quiet on the Western front and all that kind of thing, you know?’

‘So consistency is no longer necessary?’

‘Of course not!  It’s all about power.  And of course making sure your lie is so loud that the truth gets drowned.’

‘I see.’

‘No, you don’t see the whole picture.  I went further.  I said that if we didn’t take some action, like axing Russia, we would look weak and insincere in our condemnation.’

‘But condemn what?  You said just now that you don’t have or need proof.’

‘Don’t you see?  When we use the word “condemn” we subtly imply there’s guilt.  That’s stronger than proof!’

‘So all this is because we are worried about people questioning our manhood?’

‘If you want to put it that way…yes.’

‘Wait.  Not too long ago you were saying that the invasion of Iraq was illegal.  That would imply that Britain is guilty of crimes against humanity, genocide even, right?’

‘Let’s not get confused here.  It’s a personal opinion.  I think it was illegal but you won’t catch me asking the UN to arrest Tony Blair or George W Bush.  That’s not the done thing.  If I did that the world might think we are weak and insincere.’

‘But what you just said sounds a pretty weak argument, not to mention the fact that its marked by a lot of insincerity, what?’

‘Let me ask you something Mr Portersworth.  Are you a conservative?’

‘Yes.  And I always thought conservatives were down to earth, had values, spoke the truth and so on.’

‘Well, wake up!  We were never like that.  Neither was Labour, but that’s a different matter.  It’s all about power.  It’s not about truth.  It’s not about being honourable.  It’s not about what has happened.  It’s about interpreting things to your advantage.  It’s about lying through your teeth to get what you want.’

‘Alright, I get it.  But I heard that FIFA has ruled out calls for a boycott!’

‘Don’t let me get started on FIFA those so-and-sos.  They should have worked it out so that there was a USA-UK final.’

‘With us winning, right?’

‘Of course not!  We don’t rule the waves anymore, the sun has set on the empire and we can only find meaning if we cling to the coattails of Obama’s butler.  Well, valet, shall we say?  So no, we would have made sure the USA won, kicking own-goals if we had to!’

‘I see.  Well, I need to get going.  Good days Nick, nice of you to have cleared my mind,’  Mr Portersworth said.   

[All this in a parallel universe of course...]


Anonymous said...

Typo-'in a parallel world of course'?