02 September 2014

Buckets strike back!

Enough is enough.  Ever since some idiot decided to invent me, I’ve never had it easy.  I never got to choose what goes in me.  I’ve been used, sure, in civilized societies, to draw water.  That’s an across-the-globe thing.  Maybe they should have named me water bucket and made some law to prohibit buckets from being used to collect anything but water.  Well, maybe grain and maybe leaves.  That’s it. 

What is it with humans, really?  They have the nerve to come up with something called ‘the bucket list’.  I have been tagged to a must-do-before-death list.  Why?  Because when someone dies they say he/she has ‘kicked the bucket’!  Kicked life, now that makes sense, but why a bucket?  What has a bucket got to do with death and dying?  I’ve been kicked around lot over the years but I challenge anyone to show any proof that kicking me caused anything but a dent in my sides. Kick the bucket, my foot!  It’s an insult that’s even worse than using me to carry human excreta during those long centuries when some cultures couldn’t get a hang on what goes out of their orifices. 

Now they’ve got me entangled in a bizarre thing called the Ice Bucket Challenge.  Look, I am ok with ice. I am ok with challenges.  But what’s the big deal about idiots filling me up with ice or ice water or anything for that matter and emptying it over their stupid heads?  Most of them don’t know elementary physics.  Many can’t even lift me up once filled.    They all hurt me, and for having done what wrong, I ask you! 

Are these creatures so dumb that they’ve forgotten the basic thing about charity?  Well, not the ‘basic thing’, which is ‘charity is the privilege of the wealthy’, but the second basic thing: it’s about dishing out money, writing a check, offering services free of charge, helping out the needy or whatever that needs to be done that one is ready to do without costing the recipient.  Why drag buckets into it?

Today every other attention-deficient nutcase is picking me up to look like a prized idiot.  I am being ‘idiotized’ by association.  I tell you, I will not have it.  Ok, there’s an up side to this bucket downing business, I must admit.  The vast majority of bucket-challenge morons don’t have a clue about the cause.   They know how to take selfies and they know how to post these on facebook but they don’t even bother to find out what ALS stands for.  It could be All Losers Syndicated.  It could be Arrogant Little Sinners.    But they are falling over themselves, kicking many buckets around and dousing themselves in cold water.  Man, if it was known that people were that gullible, the capitalist class would be making a killing.  Hey, wait a minute, they ARE making a killing.  No wonder!

The Great Bucket above must see all this.  Maybe it is time for a deluge…bucketfuls if you like.  Not water.  Not ice.  Brain cells!  The mediocrity of this world is killing me. Help, dear Father of All Buckets, have pity on thy children.  They do not deserve this unholy relationship you’ve forged for them with this species called ‘humans’.  Liberate us.  If you can’t, we might as well commit mass suicide.  Kick the humans, we ought to call it.