22 February 2016

From Good-Governance to Dog-Governance

This is a selection from the 'News Next Desk' of Kekirilanthaya, Sri Lanka's friendly neighbor, whose concern for the well-being of Sri Lankans knows no bounds.  

Who was caught with elephant-tail hair?
It has been reported that a man has been arrested for possessing 50g of heroin and some elephant-tail hair. Although the suspect's age has been mentioned, there is considerable confusion over his true identity. Is is Champika Ranawaka, Anura Kumara Dissanayake, Sarath Fonseka or Maithripala Sirisena, the incredulous ask.

And if the 100-days program was launched on January 10, 2016...
If the 100 day program was launched on Jan 10, 2016, we are already into the 43nd day. What happened to electoral reform? What happened to the Right to Information Act? What about the Code of Conduct for Parliamentarians?
There is deafening silence from the Yahapalana Cheering Squad on these issues.  

Ranil re-defines 'Traitor'
Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe claims that anyone opposed to a trade agreement with India is a traitor. He says that the agreement will provide 1 million jobs. No mention of 'the other side'. According to this logic, those who opposed the Indo-Lanka Accord were traitors and those opposed to the CFA with the LTTE were also traitors because of the (alleged) benefits, never mind the fall out!

'Neither has he mentioned the national identity of those who are to get these million jobs!' an alert back-bencher of the Sirisena camp quipped.

Lipton Circus rocked by dog demo
There's a severe traffic jam in Colombo 7, especially on roads leading to and from Lipton Circus, due to dogs from all parts of the country holding a massive demonstration.  Some of the dogs were sporting banners tied to their tails carrying legends such as 'Can dogs be anything but dogs?,' 'You must be kidding if you want us to be like humans!' 'If it's good governance, then just do good-governance, don't try dog-governance!' 'Let us enjoy our dog lives, our dog days'  'Being a dog is a fundamental dog right!'  'Dog-insulting Ranil must resign!'  'No more man's-best-friend, sorry!'

The protest was organised after Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe said "බල්ලන්නට බලු වැඩ කරන්න ඉඩ දෙන්න නැහැ" [We will not allow dogs to do dog thing!] in a return to his belligerent ways when talking about (perceived) detractors.  

Diplomatic community in Colombo braces for canine invasion
Diplomatic missions in Colombo are bracing themselves for what could be a dog-invasion beyond their wildest imagination. Such an invasion has been anticipated following the fatwa issued on all dogs by Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe who said 'I will not allow dogs to do dog-things (balu-veda)'. Alarmed dogs, realizing that not only their identities but their very existence have been thus threatened have no option but to seek political asylum from various diplomatic missions in Colombo.
Some missions have put up notices such as 'No Dogs Allowed'.
"They can stop us at the gates, but remember that we are talking of thousands of dogs storming each and every mission. We will piss and shit and raise such a big stink and put up our own signs outside saying "No Humans Allowed",' Sunakh Baluvardhana, the Spokesdog of the hurriedly formed 'National Dogs' Council' growled.
Sunakh's sentiments were endorsed by the Convener of the Centre for Dog Alternatives, Ringo Dadoriya, who added 'it is the season of our discontent -- we are ready to drown them in our incontinence!"

Fresh threat to Wilpattu
Title-less 'occupants' unceremoniously evicted by the newly christened balu-palanaya government have decided to relocate to the 'safe-haven' for encroachers, also known as 'Wilpattu'. They are to be given a grand welcome by Rishard Bathiudeen.

Why did Rupavahini drop the 'Asia Cup catch'? 
It is not yet clear whether officials of Rupavahini were looking the other way, sleeping or else thinking 'TNL belongs to the brother of the boss....best we keep our mouths shut', while the Dialog and TNL hatched a deal for the former to sell telecasting rights it had secured from the tournament organisers to the latter.  

'The Boss', here, is none other than the Prime Minister of the Balupalana ('dog-governance') Government, Ranil Wickremesinghe.

UNPers who wish to remain anonymous say 'If it's good for Maithri, it can't be bad for us!' referring of course to the President's routine acts of helping family, following his redefinition of 'nepotism' as 'a situation where a single family rules the country (never mind if some of them were elected!)'

Meanwhile, horrified Mahinda-loyalits ask 'what happened to those who howled when CSN was the recipient of such generosity by the rulers?'

There is no evidence of the PM interfering in this matter, but political analysts such as Pussadeva Uyangoda observe that similar to the period under Mahinda Rajapaksa most decisions (including the decision to look elsewhere) are guided by the thought 'this is what boss would like'.

Attempts to contact representatives of the Yahapalana Cheering Squad to obtain their comments on these developments have been futile.  

As of now there's no cheering squad for Balupalanaya.