10 December 2014

Forget Mahinda and Maithri, the Kolombians want Alastair Cook

You know what, I am sick and tired of this talk of common candidates.  It reminds me of a yarn about Queen Victoria.  Apparently some man had broken into her room one night and had proceeded to make love to the Queen.  After the deed was done, Her Royal Highness is said to have asked, ‘tell me my good man, is this what the common people call f***ing?’  The intruder replied in the affirmative. ‘Far too good for the common people, far too good, my man!’ the Queen had observed.

Perhaps this is how we got Victorian morality.  But that’s another story.  What’s important is that the Queen was right – not that love-making ought to be a privilege but that there are things that are just not for ‘the common people’.  In other words and in our Sri Lankan context this means that there are things that are for the Kolombians and Kolombians alone.  Like political power.

We have been sidelined.  Our representatives have failed us.  Both Ranil and Chandrika don’t have the people-power or even the party support necessary to take on Percy (yes, I still hope the President will drop ‘Mahinda’ and thereby make himself eligible for Kolombian membership putting an end to our misery) and win.  I’ve given up on them. 

It was a gloomy day at the Cricket Club where I went to reflect on past glory and drown my present sorrows.  Then it hit me.  The idea came from unexpected quarters.  Kevin Peitersen and Sir Ian Botham are responsible.  They’ve called for the sacking of Alastair Cook.  Poor form, lack of imagination in marshalling resources and an abysmal track record prompted Botham’s call.   Kevin of course had an axe to grind. Still, the bottom line is, ‘Cook has to go’.  Where can Cook go, though?  What would be his new job?  That’s how I got the idea. 

Alastair Cook can be the Kolombian Presidential Candidate.  As things stand the Kolombians have to bet on one of two Yakkos.  The UNP wants us to vote for the Polonnaruwa Yakko.  Considering all that Percy has done for us (apart from ‘people-izing’ walkways and thereby facilitating theft of Kolombian identity) a lot of us will find it tough not to be grateful.  In any case, we won’t do ourselves any injustice if we had our own candidate.  Since we are short of names and resources, I thought it best to go for Cook.  He’s a British subject.  The real deal.  We, after all, are only wannabe British subjects.  Cook needs a job.  He plays cricket.  He’s captained before. 

Someone might say he’s not a citizen, but if Fijians can play for Sri Lanka, why can’t someone from the Mother Country be President?  Cook is white.  We are not white and all the fairness creams in Odel won’t get us preferred skin-color.  We are white wannabes.  Cook is the real deal, let me repeat. 

It won’t be difficult to convince him.  The prospect of getting the bad-mouthing British press off his back would certainly make him smile.  The man will not have to suffer the insults tossed at him by the likes of Botham and Piertersen.  The only problem is that he will be on par with Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth, but hey, we can’t have everything, right?

And most important, he has the right name. Cook.  If you can’t cook, you can’t be a successful politician in Sri Lanka because there are so many ingredients to work with.  There was a time we had good chefs.  Like JRJ.  The present crop of Kolombian reps can’t put together anything that’s even halfway palatable.  We want Cook.  We need Cook.  He’s our messiah.  He’s as uncommon as they come. 

Step up to the crease, Alastair.  This is going to be the innings of your lifetime.  You were born to play this match.  If you are not convinced, consider this:  it’s about the ignominy of being sacked or being President of a land like no other.  And as President, going by precedence, you can be de facto selector.  You can select yourself as Captain of the Sri Lanka Cricket Team.  Hey, you might even get a shot at lifting the World Cup, something you wouldn’t even dream about as the England captain, what?   

Other articles in this series:

*Everyone takes note.  Some keep notes.  Some in diaries and journals.  Some in their minds and hears.  Some of these are shared via email or on Facebook or blog; some are not.  Among these people are Kolombians, people from Colombo who know much -- so much that they are wont to think that others don't know and can't think.  This is the ninth in a series published in 'The Nation' under the title 'Notes of an Unrepentant Kolombian'.