You know what, I am sick and tired of this talk of common
candidates. It reminds me of a yarn
about Queen Victoria. Apparently some
man had broken into her room one night and had proceeded to make love to the
Queen. After the deed was done, Her
Royal Highness is said to have asked, ‘tell me my good man, is this what the
common people call f***ing?’ The
intruder replied in the affirmative. ‘Far too good for the common people, far
too good, my man!’ the Queen had observed.
Perhaps this is how we got Victorian morality. But that’s another story. What’s important is that the Queen was right
– not that love-making ought to be a privilege but that there are things that
are just not for ‘the common people’. In
other words and in our Sri Lankan context this means that there are things that
are for the Kolombians and Kolombians alone.
Like political power.
We have been sidelined.
Our representatives have failed us.
Both Ranil and Chandrika don’t have the people-power or even the party
support necessary to take on Percy (yes, I still hope the President will drop
‘Mahinda’ and thereby make himself eligible for Kolombian membership putting an
end to our misery) and win. I’ve given
up on them.
It was a gloomy day at the Cricket Club where I went to
reflect on past glory and drown my present sorrows. Then it hit me. The idea came from unexpected quarters. Kevin Peitersen and Sir Ian Botham are
responsible. They’ve called for the
sacking of Alastair Cook. Poor form,
lack of imagination in marshalling resources and an abysmal track record
prompted Botham’s call. Kevin of course had an axe to grind. Still,
the bottom line is, ‘Cook has to go’.
Where can Cook go, though? What
would be his new job? That’s how I got
the idea.
Alastair Cook can be the Kolombian Presidential
Candidate. As things stand the
Kolombians have to bet on one of two Yakkos. The UNP wants us to vote for the Polonnaruwa Yakko.
Considering all that Percy has done for us (apart from ‘people-izing’
walkways and thereby facilitating theft of Kolombian identity) a lot of us will
find it tough not to be grateful. In any
case, we won’t do ourselves any injustice if we had our own candidate. Since we are short of names and resources, I
thought it best to go for Cook. He’s a
British subject. The real deal. We, after all, are only wannabe British
subjects. Cook needs a job. He plays cricket. He’s captained before.
Someone might say he’s not a citizen, but if Fijians can
play for Sri Lanka, why can’t someone from the Mother Country be
President? Cook is white. We are not white and all the fairness creams
in Odel won’t get us preferred skin-color.
We are white wannabes. Cook is
the real deal, let me repeat.
It won’t be difficult to convince him. The prospect of getting the bad-mouthing
British press off his back would certainly make him smile. The man will not have to suffer the insults tossed
at him by the likes of Botham and Piertersen.
The only problem is that he will be on par with Her Royal Highness Queen
Elizabeth, but hey, we can’t have everything, right?
And most important, he has the right name. Cook. If you can’t cook, you can’t be a successful
politician in Sri Lanka because there are so many ingredients to work
with. There was a time we had good
chefs. Like JRJ. The present crop of Kolombian reps can’t put
together anything that’s even halfway palatable. We want Cook.
We need Cook. He’s our
messiah. He’s as uncommon as they come.
Step up to the crease, Alastair. This is going to be the innings of your
lifetime. You were born to play this
match. If you are not convinced, consider
this: it’s about the ignominy of being
sacked or being President of a land like no other. And as President, going by precedence, you
can be de facto selector. You can select yourself as Captain of the Sri
Lanka Cricket Team. Hey, you might even
get a shot at lifting the World Cup, something you wouldn’t even dream about as
the England captain, what?
Other articles in this series:
*Everyone takes note. Some keep notes. Some in diaries and journals. Some in their minds and hears. Some of these are shared via email or on Facebook or blog; some are not. Among these people are Kolombians, people from Colombo who know much -- so much that they are wont to think that others don't know and can't think. This is the ninth in a series published in 'The Nation' under the title 'Notes of an Unrepentant Kolombian'.
0 comments:
Post a Comment