This was taken by Indy Samarajeewa in January 2012 |
People
are asking me about Kolombians. Not
Kolombians – they generally approve and appreciate. Kolombians thank me for getting the word out,
in giving them voice etc. It’s the
non-Kolombians who ask the questions.
They all want to know how one becomes a Kolombian.
Someone asked if there’s a Kolombian Handbook. Someone else wanted to know if there’s a
residency requirement. There were
questions such as ‘Do we have to sit an exam?’ and ‘Is Kolombianess tested
every now and again and if you fail will you lose residency and
residence?’
Well
I can’t answer all these questions in one go.
We are in the middle of compiling a Kolombian Handbook. ‘We’ as in the Kolombian High Command, led
‘ex-officio’ by the Queen of England and the President of the United States of
America.
There
are no formal ‘tests’ but we have our own ways of kicking you out if you don’t
fall in line such as making sure you don’t get invited to birthday parties and
baby showers, and of course look-down-nose at you if you dare attend
funerals. There are other methods which
our ‘Ways and Means Committee’ have come up with. All this in good time.
For
now let me give some basics.
Residency. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not about where you are located but how
you locate yourself. Of course BEING IN
COLOMBO or more precisely, hobnobbing with Kolombians (doing the clubs, events
and parties) helps. Things rub off,
after all. But it’s more about the
sense, the feeling, inhabiting of a cultural condition.
You
have to know English.
Non-negotiable. The Queen’s
English is best, but in these days of Britain operating as another state of the
United States of America, Barack Obama treating David Cameron as though he was
a doorman and ‘King’ (Lebron) James putting his arm around the Duchess of
Cambridge (that’s Catherine, wife of ‘will-be-king-himself-one-day Prince
William), US-English is fine too.
This
is not enough of course. You have to
sneer at those who don’t know English (UK or US), laugh at those who don’t get
the accent right, cheer like hell those who ridicule such yakkos or baiyyas and act
as though everything written, said and sung in Sinhala or Tamil, by
‘definition’, is inferior and worthy only of contempt.
It is
not just language. If anyone who can’t
‘say it right’ in English or doesn’t appear to show respect to things just
because they are said/written in English or borrowed/derived from Europe and
North America the idea or theory put forward has to be considered
inferior. Kolombians are required by way
of tribal covenant to ridicule such utterings.
For example, if ‘E equals MC squared’ was dreamed up by someone who
couldn’t say it in the ‘Right English’ you have to say that it can’t be true. No, that’s not enough. You have to exclaim, ‘the effing gumption of
this village idiot’ or something on those lines and vilify him into oblivion. If you are in a generous mood you can pin a
tag on such an upstart. ‘Native
Intellectual!’ you can spit those words out with a lot of venom.
You
get the drift. The key quality is
distinction. You have to rise
above. You have to be apart. Be aloof.
You have to position yourself so that you can spit on those upstart
non-Kolombians. Metaphorically of
course. If you can’t do that, you can’t
be one of us. It’s as simple as
that.
*Everyone takes note. Some keep notes. Some in diaries and journals. Some in their minds and hears. Some of these are shared via email or on Facebook or blog; some are not. Among these people are Kolombians, people from Colombo who know much -- so much that they are wont to think that others don't know and can't think. This is the tenth in a series published in 'The Nation' under the title 'Notes of an Unrepentant Kolombian'.
Other articles in this series:
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