Saying what and how ~ Malinda Words

In the late 1980s, during a theatre workshop at the University of Peradeniya, Gamini Haththotuwegama got the participants, all undergraduates, to do a simple exercise. He wanted them to pick a word or simple phrase and say it in different ways, using different tones, to convey different meanings.

It is something we do all the time, but unconsciously. We say the same thing, even a single word, in different ways, in different contexts and to convey different meanings, but since they ‘saying’ of it happens at different times we don’t realise that variation in tone, inflection, the use of pause and emphasis, even pace can yield different meanings.

One of the students played with ‘nae (no)’ and another with ‘bae (cannot).’ Now ‘no’ could be used to say ‘can’t’ and that too was one of the meanings the particular student got out of the word. Let’s just go with ‘no.’

No: as opposed to ‘yes.’ No: as an objection. No: as shock, denial, disbelief. No: rudely. No: politely as in ‘thank you, but no.’ No: firmly. No: hesitantly, as though you are saying ‘I’ll think about it.’ No: as answer in the negative to a question. No: vehemently and maybe with derision, as in ‘no way!’ No: with shifty eyes or eyes downcast when you aren’t really telling the truth. No: when you mean ‘yes’ but don’t want to admit something but nevertheless give yourself away by blushing, for example as a response to a question like ‘do you love him?’

Facial expression can also alter meaning. It could be a glance, an intense look straight into the eye of the person one is conversing with, a twitch of an eyebrow, a frown, a smile, a half-smile, a feigned smile or a slight movement of the head. These things add layers of meaning to a simple word such as ‘no’ or a phrase such as ‘I don’t know.’

Theatrics apart, there’s always a set of decisions one must make when speaking. It might come out as intuitive but there’s a lot of living, learning and communicating that bears upon ‘intuition.’ So there is a weighing of sorts. We decided whether to speak or to remain silent. If we decide to speak we need to decide when to speak, what to say and how to say it.

Of course it is about what you want to convey. It is not only about communicating a piece of information or a feeling, but sometimes there’s intent to birth in the receiver certain specific perceptions. We want to ‘send a message.’ It could be something that is benign. It could be some kind of assurance. Something that calms the other person. It could also be a nudge, prompting a certain course of action. It could be calculated to humour that person, make him or her laugh perhaps. It could be designed to annoy, to hurt and throw that person off balance, make him or her abandon reason altogether and focus on a feeling to the point that he or she might make a mistake. Psychological games, then, are a part of it.

Will this hurt? Will this disenchant? Will this demoralise? Will this fuel anger? Will this, in this tone and at this moment lead to harmony or disharmony, the pleasant or unpleasant, discovery to concealment, the truth or a lie? These are the questions that ideally should precede word and the ways in which word is frilled. They are rarely asked and, even when considered, are often brushed aside.

And then there’s the problem of not having the option of taking it back. It has been said. It’s been said in a particular way. It has been heard and cannot be ‘unsaid’ or ‘unheard.’ Possibly not for a long, long time.

The ‘saying’ doesn’t always require words. A glance — that is all it takes to shatter someone’s world. A glance — that is all it takes to bring the constellations down. A glance — can say so much. A glance — can say nothing and sometimes this nothingness can be more devastating than the most hurtful word. A glance — there’s both the ‘what’ and ‘how’ of saying in it.

So, are we required to walk on eggshells, then? It might seem that way. However, just as that which is seen as ‘intuitive’ has an archaeology, there are ways of being, of thinking, of reflecting and measuring engagement which could ensure that the word said and the ways of saying it at some point in the future are less likely to leave a bad taste in the mouth, a vile odour in the air.

Reflection. Self reflection. We can rehearse the various shades of ‘no’ at times when we are not required to pick a particular form of ‘no.’ Then, when we do have to say it, it will be without rancour. It will be kind. It will be underlined by the virtues of compassion and equanimity. And a non-threatening (in the very least) fragrance will envelop conversations.

He’s long gone now, but it is as if Gamini Haththotuwegama sent me a single-word text message (as he had never done). ‘Yes,’ it said. It was soft. Wholesome.

['The Morning Inspection' is the title of a column I wrote for the Daily News from 2009 to 2011, one article a day, Monday through Saturday. This is a new series. Links to previous articles in this new series are given below]

04 June 2023

Saying what and how

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